Being a woman was something I was once ashamed of growing up. I tried to make myself as relatable to men as much as possible, enforcing opinions such as women were petty, insecure, always complaining about something – qualities I didn’t want to be associated with.
Also, growing up in a neighbourhood close to a red light district where men cruising in cars would frequently stop my mother and myself made me ashamed of my sexuality and femininity, boosting my tomboy tendencies...
I didn’t want to draw attention to myself sexually, yet I felt ignored if ‘prettier’ girls were swooned over.
Consequently, I became very submissive and insecure in my relationships, keeping my mouth shut and shape-shifting with every new man adapting to their preferences, hiding my true qualities, ignoring my own sexual desires and basically, fighting my true nature – a nature which was a stranger to me!
Thankfully through a lot of heartache it was forced upon me that my unbreakable spirit wouldn’t or couldn’t be contained anymore. Gradually I began to bear my teeth more, acknowledge even the most seemingly petty of feelings and honour the ‘stranger’ inside. So many men I tried to change for but it was an endless quest, they rejected me anyway and thank goodness they did! When I think about it, my unbreakable spirit rejected them knowing I was worthy of more, they were just carving the masterpiece that is me. They just happened to have to best tools for my materials.
I learnt that trying to become someone else was as unreachable as the sky above and I should have been digging my fingers into the soil below giving me everything I needed, everything that was always there.
My most recent relationships, though short-lived, I gave more and more of myself and demanded nothing but respect for my time and my pure existence which reaped fine personal results. I could see the evidence in the way that they treated me, the rapport developed between them and how generous they were sexually.
I know that they fell away for no other reason than the best relationship is waiting for me while I continue to refine and polish the expanding masterpiece of a relationship.... with me!