I was a bit shocked at the recognition of that. Why do I feel such pain and what is there deep in my heart that means I can't be loved for who I am? While I was crying this out, it occurred to me that from an early age when I was being spontaneous and connected to my life force, I was told to be more quiet, not to make any noise, to behave differently and to suppress my spontaneous behaviour. I was corrected on an everyday basis in such a way that after some time I came to the conclusion that there must be something utterly wrong with me and that no one actually can love me! So I have to behave how they want me to behave so that I can be loved.
On a conscious level I know the people around me love me. I know that my parents love me, they show me that all the time. For years I've been working on learning how to love and accept myself on all levels. But the question is, how much of that love can be received because deep inside my heart there is this grief that revealed itself to me now? That little girl that got hurt needs healing, and healing comes through love, care and comfort. She needs to hear that there is nothing wrong with her, and that she doesn't need to do anything or be certain way in order to earn love. She deserves love for who she is!
So, she only really has me now. I am the one who sees her pain, I am the one that listens, I am the one who can give her the acceptance and love that she didn't get in the past. So that is what I do. I talk to her, I tell her all the healing words that she needs to hear and I carefully pick the words that she reacts the most to. Sometimes those words make her cry even more because she still can't trust them completely, but we are moving forward! Some days she jumps for joy and happiness because of those words.
Sometimes, surrounding things occupy me so I am unable to spend time with her, but she always comes back as a familiar ache in my heart and then I find the time to talk to her. It will take a while, but I understand that one day, we will both know that we deserve to be loved for who we are and that we don't have to be something else to please other people and to earn love. <3